Struggles

Now, when I said until Friday, I was thinking it was Wednesday, and not Thursday, so really, I'm only a day late. Are you convinced? :)

I have to go read and see what I said about Emma. I don't think I've read much more. Hmm, I was very brief last time. I suppose that is because I was watching a movie at the time. I actually have an episode of The Office up right now, but it's not playing.

I've been having a pretty tough time recently, adjusting to life at home. I guess a lot of what college is about is doing stuff on your own, but I took that a little too far in trying to deal with some issues on my own that were impossible. All these issues (which shall remain description-less because the internet has a big mouth) have just been hanging over my head and making me miserable. And when I say I was trying to do things on my own, I mean I was trying to do them without God. I was convinced that I was smart enough to fix my life without him, and that was just really, really stupid. Now I am exhausted in emotionally and spiritually.

I don't like the expression that things all came to a head, because it sounds so dramatic, like there was some huge conversion experience or whatever, but that's what's coming to mind. I guess since being home and back with people who I know love me, I realized that I wanted to come back different, but I wanted to make sure it was differences for the better, and I knew that some differences in particular were not good.

So that's been hanging over my head for quite a while, and I knew God was (to use another over-dramatic expression) knocking on my door, hoping that I would let him fix things instead of it all eventually collapsing in on me. I guess I just sort of gave in today. We had communion and to be honest, it's not usually that big of a deal, but I knew I shouldn't be taking it with all this stuff still going on, and I just was thinking over and over again that I was tired. Tired of the cycle of (I might as well call it what it is) sin I was in, and tired of trying to hide it from everyone, including God.

I don't want this whole thing to narrow down to something like, "I learned today blah blah blah" from Sunday School, because that's just stupid. I guess I just realized, meaning God shoved it in my face, that I don't have to be perfect, that as a human, I am just going to have sin in my life. That doesn't mean that it's right or okay, but it also doesn't mean that I should expect to eradicate it completely. I mean, I spent a long time beating myself up over things that shouldn't have been in my life. I would try to fix it, and maybe it would work for a few days, or even weeks, but inevitably, I would let it back in, and inevitable, I called myself a hypocrite, a liar. I felt like a complete failure every single time. Another feeling that I never want to feel again (but I'm sure I will) was the loneliness. I didn't have my family or my church, but like I said before, I was doing this without God. I mean, he never left me, of course, but when I was so focused on what a failure I was, it was kind of hard to see that.

Whew! I know that probably none of that made sense at all. I normally hate it when people post stuff like this on the internet, because frankly, it's not the internet's business. It's just, a lot of my problems came from not being honest about what I'm struggling with, and if I admit out loud/on paper/computer that I'm not perfect, I feel like it will be easier to deal with. And I am all talked out, so I think I will watch that episode of The Office and then go to bed.

Oh, and don't worry that every entry is going to be so melodramatic and such from now on. I really do get very annoyed with people who do that. So anyways. Night!