Wow. These past 10 days have been some of the strangest in my life. Not like abnormal, grotesque weird kind of strange, but big-things-are-happening-all-at-once-and-it's-weird kind of strange. Some of them I will be sharing with you, dear Internet, and some I will not (no offense).
First off, my great-grandmother died and I attended my first funeral. Then my grandma moved out. She had been living with us for various reasons, and made a sudden decision to live with her husband again. It was kind of a shock for all of us, but it's done now.
What I feel is probably the biggest thing is the sudden absence in my heart of a desire I have had for a long time. Although it's not really an absence, just a severe deintensification of that desire, although I don't think that's an accurate description either, not least of all because I don't think deintensification is a word. For a long time I have had an overwhelming desire to be married. I know it's a little weird, but I grew up with Beauty and the Beast and Lord of the Rings (there are some pretty epic love stories in there!). Also, my parents provided what I must say (in a totally unbiased manner of course) is one of the best examples of marriage out there. Why wouldn't I want to get married? To have a person love you enough to spend the rest of their life with you is the ultimate blessing, in my opinion, one that I thought I didn't have.
I'm beginning to realize that the lesson that God has been nudging at me, and occasionally outright shoving, for a while is that he loves me not just with a cliche "Jesus loves me, this I know" childlike love. Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with the unconditional love of a child, but most of the time, children don't recognize the faults of those they love. You might object and say, "Jesus doesn't recognize our faults either. He's forgiven them," but that's not the way I see it at all. God loves us and pursues us in spite of our faults, and in some cases because of them. For instance, my brother is extremely stubborn (a trait that I share), and in some arguments we've had, nothing could be worse. He refuses to admit that he's wrong (or that I'm right) even when the evidence is staring him in the face. On the other hand, he also has a strong sense of justice, which has made him stubborn against things happening at school and elsewhere that he knows is not right. My point is, God not only recognizes our faults, but he utilizes them by guiding us through events that we might not have been able to survive without the faults he created us with. It's hard for me to explain how real God's love is to me now. It's thick, it's deep, it's tangible. He cherishes me. He loves me with passion. Regrettably, that is not a word you hear often in Sunday School.
The bottom line is that I have realized that, far better than any human companion (although I think Mr. Darcy might come close :D), God is going into the relationship with a full comprehension of the person I am, and he will never stop cherishing me. In other words, I am beginning to learn to let myself be fulfilled through God alone. Trust me, I am extremely aware of and sorry for how cheesy and sappy this all is, but I can't help it. I've got into a habit that I want you to try. Everytime you do something stupid or make yet another mistake or you're just having a bad day, just whisper to yourself, "The God of the universe loves me." Meditate on that, or in less elegant language, chew on that. Understand that the 'me' that you are talking about is a 'me' with innumerable faults and sins to account for, and that the 'love' that you are talking about is a love so passionate and so undeniable that God in essence split himself, he sacrificed his Son to save you.
Wow. Didn't mean for that to turn into a sermon. I just start writing and it keeps on coming.
Anyways, I meant to write about both Nemesis and Crime and Punishment, but that will have to be another entry. I am rather tired, and there is work in the morning.
Night all!
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