Saturday, March 6, 2010

Where am I going exactly?

Well, here I am again! Today was a pretty normal Saturday, involving sleeping in, procrastinating, lots of Youtube and some reading. In a little less than an hour I will go to Crick house, where the other half of the students in my program live, to watch a movie and possibly play board games. It's always a relief to get out of the house and see other people, so tonight should be fun, plus I get to take a walk under the stars.

Recently I've been feeling a little lonely, I think, although I'm not exactly sure why. Maybe I am more homesick than I've realized - it's a little more than two weeks until my mom gets here! - but I think also I've realized just how little of an impact I am having on Oxford. I certainly didn't expect to storm the University with new, transforming ideas about literature, but now that 8th week is beginning and my last essays for the term are approaching, I am humbled in light of the great work even people I disagree with have accomplished. This week I strongly disagreed with the approach a certain author took in writing about C. S. Lewis, the subject of my primary tutorial, and I felt competent enough to explain why. Nevertheless, this person is a respected academic and has several books published. I think they have me beaten there.

Studying something so intensely as I have for the past two months necessarily brings forth new ideas, and I have so many right now that if I could, I would stay in the library reading and writing for days. Ideas for books have even flitted across my mind. I don't want this week to be the last time I study stories; their power in conveying truth makes me ready to talk about them for the rest of my life. And herein lies the problem: I haven't been planning on continuing my education past a master's degree, and possibly not even that far. Now I know that I want to at least study literature past Messiah, but what do I want to do with it?

Of course, I should have expected my feelings/my plan to change. Every time I get something set in my mind, it changes, either due to my own uncertainty or God's delight in showing me something new. At this point, I wonder what else can happen in the next few years to change my course, but I also feel very ready for 'life' to start. I know, I know - I'm living right now, and I shouldn't always be looking ahead, for fear that I will miss the life I have now. But I'm so ready to stop wondering and just be there, whether that means New York, Pennsylvania, Virginia or even Oxford. College is a period of preparation and development, but to what end? It would be nice to know which target I'm aiming at.

With that said, I do know that part (most) of following God means surrendering control over my life and future and living both with purpose and flexibility. It's a delicate balancing act, this mortal life.

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